Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Witch's Advice.

It is a searingly hot night. The moon is nearly half-full and there's not a cloud in the sky. All around the sound of insects and frogs chokes the air, creating an almost physical pressure of sound. In the middle of the woods there is a mobile home, a few lights are still on, despite the late hour. The Witch's phone has been ringing off the hook (metaphorically, their phone is actually a cell), voicemails are piling up. Begging for occult help, and doing it wrong.

Someone is asking The Witch for advice, and The Witch knows that no matter what advice they give, they will be greeted by the same "No, that won't work, I haven't tried it but I don't want to so I'm dismissing it offhandedly" that they're always greeted with.

With great trepidation and reluctance the witch picks up the call.

I don't know what to do. A spell has been put on my boyfriend to force him to go to another girl. She's been getting into his head and making him suggestable. She refuses to release him. I want him back. She is hurting him so bad. What can we do to stop her.

Firstly, The Witch gets out the deck of tarot cards and does a simple reading, contemplating the request.

The Witch narrows her eyes at the cards. It's pretty damned simple... A fair, young, male! He's constantly on the move, shifting like the wind from place to place and idea to idea. A choice between two objects of passion. One being chosen over the other. The Tower is about lies, facades and keeping up appearances. The bolt of lightening striking the tower represents truth coming to light and the lies crumbling. Everyone wants a hero. Unfortunately, this triumphant hero is a liar and a fake. She purses her lips, the querent is already having a fit on the other end of the line, screaming obscenity and vitriol. The Witch begins cramming the cards back into the tuck box, when another flips free.

If the previous four cards weren't visceral enough, the image of a man juggling two objects, while regarding one with more care than the other is, well... cut and dry. The Witch knows, insofar as she can, that the man is cheating (or dearly wants to) and using magick as an excuse. She tells the person as much, in the nicest way she can (which isn't terribly nice, because "Girl, he dippin' that wick in other lamps" is something that there is no nice way to say). However, she also gives extensive instructions on removing any malevolent spell-work in place.

Silence ensues.

Then, in the background, someone asks if THEY can get a tarot reading. The Witch seethes. The Querent still won't respond. People don't want to hear the truth. They want to be told everything is alright, the sun is shining on their every fart, every thought they have is not only valid, but justified and worthy of applause, and possibly Jesus himself even bends an ear to their most inner philosophical musings. The Witch grows impatient, and the Querent finally chimes in.

Sorry to have bothered you. I can see you're not taking this seriously. A spell was put on by a witch so I thought you would help. No he is not two timing me. This is real. We are both scared and I went looking for help. I just needed some answers not sarcasm.

The Witch gets angry. She speaks slowly and carefully, explaining that she took it VERY seriously, hence the reading and the spell advice. And the willingness to literally walk the afflicted through the series of uncrossing spells. The Witch Also explains that, well, ignoring the advice because it wasn't phrased the way the querent wanted is silly, juvenile, and counter-productive.

The Witch shouts "To translate: This is the spell you need to undo the bad spell against him. Take the advice, or leave it, but don't pretend you never received any. "

Thanks for nothing.

WHAT?! When someone approaches us we do readings to clarify the hidden parts of the situation, because no one person knows the whole story (and no person, anywhere, tells strangers unflattering things about themselves without the help of alcohol).

We must do these readings like doctors do scans and tests - We have to know the root of the symptoms to provide a 'treatment' for the problem. This is, by the by, why witches were also called "Witch Doctors" and "Fairy Doctors" in the past. Just like a doctor, you might hear things you don't like. That doesn't mean it's not good advice, or proper for the situation. At the end of it, you'll receive something of a prescription, which either the witch, or your local occult shop will help to fill.

"Thanks for nothing means that nothing was given. You were given a serious, helpful, response. I don't see what your hangup is, unless it's tone, and if you're ignoring the advice to help you out of what you describe as a dire, desperate, situation because you dislike it's delivery - that's a special kind of horrible." The Witch shouts. "You have been given the proper procedure for removing the bad spell against him. Take the advice, or leave it, but do not dare be an ingrate about it! Do not bite the hand that feeds you, just because it isn't serving on fine china. It's a very poor idea to cop an attitude with witches when you have already found yourself in dire straits of the magical variety - my inclination to help YOU may become an inclination to help HER."

The Witch hangs up, and the Querent calls someone else. And then another, and another, and another. Until no one will hear them out. They burn through the magickal community in a few days, pissing off dozens of competent witches in the process, cutting themselves off from workers and shop-owners.

A few days later, The Witch's phone rings, and she hits Silent. She won't be helping when all she gets is a smack in the face, and 40 minutes on her plan that she'll never get back.

(Note, the Assclows featured in this entry is actually a composite of several assclowns, so as to hit several birds with one stone)


  1. hee hee, you're totally Cassandra.

  2. Hello, I just stumbled across you blog, and I have to say I *love* it. You have a lot of good, no-nonsense advice here. Keep on!

  3. I would not be able to keep my temper if someone did this to me. I would have to verbally cut their legs off or hang up on them.

    Thankfully, I have not gotten many like this. Mostly when I get someone troublesome, they are psychotic ("a coven of witches has sent a succubus after me and it is forcing me to have sex with it every night!" or "the plants in my yard are watching me; I'm afraid to go outside"). I did get mad recently when someone asked me for help and didn't want to listen to any recommendations I had. It became clear that all she really wanted was to let yet another person know how extraordinarily terrible she had it. She kept interrupting me to tell me about how nothing worked. Finally I just said over and over in a dead tone, "There is nothing I can do to help you."

    More often I get people who have no idea whatsoever what they are doing magically but want help doing something really difficult, like causing the end of the world or something idiotic.

  4. Gives new perspective to the position the local cunning person would have had in a community. Not just the herbalist and root doctor and healer, et al, but the local shrink as well, if the local pastor or parson or priest's admonition to pray didn't work out so well.

    This is why I generally don't read cards for people anymore, especially not coworkers. It turns into an exercise of them asking the same question umpteen bazillion different ways to get an answer they want but that anyone else present will see is just not in the cards, or in the stars, or anywhere else for that matter.

    It would actually be interesting get someone who wanted helpful tips on taking over the world or building a better mousetrap, by comparison.

  5. Are you serious right now? Wow.

    Haha, I really enjoyed this post. Crap like this is exactly why I tend to keep readings to myself, no one wants what really is, only what they want to hear.

    If this is an actual scenario, it sounds more like a cop out the guy is weakly using. And she sounds hopelessly codependent. See! No cards needed! ;)

  6. @ Frater S. This is a "composite" of an online scenario (the quotes/cards) and an offline bungle (the phone calls, and burning the community).

    So, yeah, it happened. Twice.

    I am the "village witch", sadly (depending upon how you look at it, anyway). Nearly everyone I know comes to me at one point or another, however most people who ask for my advice -take- it. There is, however, a remainder who are complete knobs - this story combined at least two of them.